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The Lies They Tell!

The Lies They Tell!

By on May 6, 2019 in Healing | 0 comments

A Narcissist is an individual who was wounded in early life and has created a false persona to compensate for the pain and inner-void that has never been healed. This persona is self-absorbed and obsessed with their idealized self-image and commonly manipulates, schemes and lies to get their needs met. They feel justified in building a false-self to impress and snare their prey. They use the right words, tone and charismatic enticements to woo people into their orbit. Narcissists often have patterns of deceptions and many of them are listed below:

  • I’m awake, great, gifted, special…just ask me!
    • Chronic narcissists over-inflate their accomplishments and experiences in order to appear more powerful, attractive, important or successful to others. They will always speak of all their accomplishments and lead with “this is how I believe” or “this is what I’ve accomplished”; “here’s a sample of my work” or “I’m a member of Mensa”; “I’m the president of …”
    • The reality of the narcissist, however, is that they feel empty and unloved when you do not buy into this false-image. They fear that they are not enough as they are, create the illusion to measure up and then blame others who catch on and call them out. Being authentic requires a vulnerability that the narcissist cannot allow within himself.
  • I’m better than others
    • They see themselves through a grandiose superiority and this can be displayed in overt or more cover behaviors and declarations.
      • Self-proclaimed superiority: “I am the restorer of cosmic order”; “I’m the best president ever in the history of presidents”; “I’m the smartest, most talented”; “I am a self-proclaimed expert.” (Usually these claims have little or no credibility).
      • “I’m the best at….and people just don’t get it”; “People just do not get me” (my specialness).
    • They are highly intolerant of anyone who doesn’t match their worldview and often stereotype anyone who doesn’t fit their perceptions of themselves. They are wholly entitled but never see themselves as such. People are supposed to appreciate and take care of them; without ever asking anything from them. They give only what they want to give; take whatever they want and expect others to go along.
    • They are never capable of feeling good about themselves, so they build themselves up by believing they “get it” and “others don’t” in order to keep their false self-image propped up.
  • They promise but never follow through.
    • Narcissists abandon responsibilities in partnerships and relationships. They will only meet obligations when it suits their self-interest. The use people blatantly. They talk a great game and are often quite charming, but they are equally untrustworthy and have patterns of infidelity and unreliability.
  • They lack ethics, responsibility and boundaries
    • They lie, cheat, steal and justify their actions. They believe their actions are justifiable. If you question their behaviors, they flip the switch to point out that your questioning, expectations or lack of attentiveness are the reason they did what they did. They believe that you led them to betray, deceive and act dishonorably. If you are hurt or angry by their ethical violations and react or tell them so; they deflect and call you hostile. They also feel entitled to whatever they do; because they are “special, no one gets them and they had no choice”.
    • They break rules or view other’s expectations as unrealistic or demeaning; they will attempt to convince others that the rules do not apply to them. Because they are wholly entitled to live exactly as they choose, without ever considering the impact of their actions on others. And they love to tell you that they “don’t give a sh*t about what others think.”
  • Its not my fault – Its YOUR FAULT!
    • Invariably, the narcissist will end up in trouble. Their actions will lead others to discover their offenses and their world will blow up. When this happens, they will deflect and shift the responsibility, pointing fingers at their victims. They are notorious for accusing their victims for having caused their unfortunate circumstances. Their “hard-luck”, “losing everything” means they do not have to be accountable for the scenarios they create. They will convince everyone who will listen, that bad things happen to them. They will build a very big case for how people did them wrong; left them in the dust and will never assume responsibility for how their behaviors contributed to their demise. The people at work don’t get them; their friends just didn’t understand; their wives didn’t give them enough attention or care; their family wasn’t supportive. 
    • They cannot tolerate self-reflection that requires accountability because they view this as being weak. At best they will see their infidelities, deceptions and ongoing irresponsibility as mistakes that need to be forgiven without any authentic self-reflection, accountability or behavior change to warrant allegiance to them.
  • I’m here for you / I will always love you / I care about you
    • They believe their charm or outpouring of loving persuasions are enough to white-wash all their bad acts. They love-bomb and shower others with admiration and professed attraction for you; but they don’t need to really know you. They may speak kindly to your face, while tearing you down behind your back. Their calling card is: “the only thing that matters is that I love you” . They need you to feel special because they have their attention on you but not because they genuinely care about you. If they are cheating on you, they blame you for it. If they lie, its your fault. Because they love you and if you just don’t get them, they believe they are justified. They are master con-artists who believe their own seductions. They hook you to get what they want and then leave you hanging out to dry. You will be left picking up the tattered pieces of your relationship, your heart, your finances and wondering if you did something wrong – which they will certainly assert. The seek out, conquer and then leave their lovers broken, used and questioning their reality.
  • You don’t give me enough attention
    • Those in the narcissist’s orbit are expected to make them their priority over all other responsibilities. They demand your attention and time and feel abandoned if you don’t oblige these needs. Then blame you for their betrayals, because you weren’t paying enough attention to them. They demand what they will not give.
    • They may also pull you from your friends, family and other areas of interests; demanding more and more of your attention and energy be focused on them. If you travel for business, they either must go along or demand that you change jobs. They will insert themselves into your world until there is no place in your life where they are not participating. Or they will shrink your world until they are your sole focus.
  • I’m sorry
    • Their actions will catch up with them because they almost always self-destruct. They live in-authentically and this creates consequences. When these life-crises emerge, they will result in family estrangement, marital breakdown, legal or financial trouble; and a damaged personal and/or professional reputation.
    • This will be the only time the narcissist will say they are sorry and ask for forgiveness. They will not show empathy for those they have betrayed, but they may sound convincing for a while. Then they will become resentful if you’re not quickly over their offense. They may even enter counseling briefly: but it will only be to calm down the crisis. They are not really interested in facing themselves authentically.  As soon as they learn how to manage the crisis, they will either drop-out of therapy or leave the whole situation, blaming their victims along the way. They will rarely change themselves – because they aren’t the issue in their minds, their crisis is always blamed on others.

If you have lived with a narcissist or worked with one and are feeling raw: You are not crazy! You did not cause their destructive behaviors. And it is understandable if you are reeling from being used, abused and then left with the fragments of your broken relationship. You have the power to heal yourself and when you do, you can break the cycle of partnering with narcissists. This healing journey will free you from patterns that you may have learned in early life. You may have learned to normalize the narcissist’s actions, internalize their shame and wounding behaviors as acceptable or inevitable. You deserve better! When you are willing to heal yourself, not just from what they have done but how you were drawn to participate without self-blame, then you can gain insight, integrate the lessons, reclaim your lost self and grow in self-love and self-care that transcends the abusive dynamics forevermore.

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